Edited - Ep. 71 Building Community During Divorce and Beyond with Joan Rogliano
Joan Rogliano: [00:00:00] you have to realize, well, I was married for 10 years or 15, whatever.
Joan Rogliano: I'm not going to feel better in two minutes, 20 minutes, or maybe two years, I'll be feeling better. So that's a part of it, but also find a good team of professionals. for you. A legal advisor, a financial advisor, a mental health advisor.
Michelle Fox: Welcome to Nourish with Michelle Fox, your guide to a vibrant life If consistency has been a challenge for you and you occasionally forget self-care, you, my friend are in the right place. Tune in for weekly inspiration to nourish your mind. I know your plate's full and I want to help you support a life and a body that you adore. Let's dig in.
You, my friend, are in for a treat today. I have invited Joan [00:01:00] Rogliano, who is one of my playmates in real life. IRL, as the cool kids say. And so I'm going to do my best to keep this conversation around 30 minutes, but when the two of us get together, there is no telling where the conversation is going.
Michelle Fox: What I can promise you though, Stick around because you will be healed by this woman. You will be healed by this conversation, particularly if you are a woman going through the transition of divorce. I will add to that though, whether it's transition around divorce, or it could be transition through any life phase, whether you're going through a transition with your career,
Michelle Fox: going through a transition with your finances, going through a transition with a loved one. This conversation is for you. So, even though I said she's my playmate and she's one of my besties in real life, I'm still going to try to keep some formality. And so let [00:02:00] me start by reading her bio so you know just a little bit about this powerhouse.
Michelle Fox: So, Joan Rogliano is a nationally recognized real estate divorce specialist. Her personal experience with divorce, as well as that of her clients, inspired her commitment to educate families about the vital decision of what to do with the marital home. Ms. Rogliano's intention is a successful post divorce future for everyone.
Michelle Fox: Featured on the Today Show, Joan has written a book on the topic, your keys to Moving On, a Guide to Divorce and the Marital Home. Joan, my friend, welcome to the show.
Joan Rogliano: Thank you so much. I am so excited to be here and I just know we're going to have a very robust animated conversation that's also going to be [00:03:00] sprinkled with some really good information for your audience.
Joan Rogliano: So thank you.
Michelle Fox: My pleasure. Thank you. And on that note, before I invite you to do a real game with me, I want to just share with our community a little bit how you and I know each other. Also sprinkled with A whole lot of praise because Joan, I've told you a million times, but people may not know like you were that still small voice of support, love and encouragement when I was going through my divorce back in 2009, you were running the Wildflower Women's Foundation at the time and you embraced me and so many women with open arms and you're like, Come in, like, like you've got this.
Michelle Fox: Here, here's another community of women who are going through something similar and, and we're gonna love you no matter what. And [00:04:00] so, do you remember that time when we met? Do you want to comment on that time at all?
Joan Rogliano: I, I could almost tell you what you were wearing that day because I remember it so vividly.
Joan Rogliano: But I think I've shared with you
Joan Rogliano: And I also want your audience to know that when you, or I'll speak for myself, I was going through something similar. Just a little prior to our meeting and because I was going through a divorce and what happens when you do that and you reach out to help other people, which I was doing through Wildflower Women's Foundation,
Joan Rogliano: it's really healing. For you, the person that is embracing others, and it took me a little bit to understand that. But after these events, and like the event where I met you, I'm driving home going, you know, I feel really great. And I didn't really understand exactly what the source of my happiness [00:05:00] was, but it was helping other people and understanding that we are all a community, no matter what any of us is going through.
Joan Rogliano: When we put our hearts and our minds together, it's wonderful for all of us. It also extends to our families as well, when you have children, which a lot of us do when you're going through
Joan Rogliano: divorce,
Joan Rogliano: and it helps them as well. It's that trickle
Joan Rogliano: down
Joan Rogliano: to the kid. Keep an eye on that one. Yes, I do remember.
Michelle Fox: Well, I'm so grateful. And speaking of which, you've seen the journey with me. At that time, I had one kid. Now I have three kids and, and you've been a part of that storyline. And then I've watched your children and their processes. And so I just love that we've had each other over these years to lean on in joy and in sadness.
Michelle Fox: Like I just, Cannot say how grateful I am for [00:06:00] you and your friendship. So thank you for being my friend, Joan.
Joan Rogliano: I would like to share with your audience as well. Wildflower Group was named Wildflower Group because we felt as though all the women who were gathering were seeds, so to speak. And as we all went through this process together, it looked different for all of us.
Joan Rogliano: But I liken it to the seed is underground, you know, at our first meeting. And then it is a beauty to behold as these women start to blossom, you know, and they get up above ground and they're doing this and they're doing that. And you, my friend, are one of the star wildflowers. I've said this to you how many times Michelle, what you have done and what you have created and how you have shared with so many other [00:07:00] women.
Joan Rogliano: You are just a, you're one of our star wildflowers and I thank you for that and all that you have given to our wildflowers. Hmm,
Michelle Fox: the power of community. I, I know without a doubt, I could not do it without community. So before I get too mushy and start crying on this podcast, I'm going to flip the switch and invite you to play a game that I like to call rapid fire.
Michelle Fox: Are you open?
Joan Rogliano: Bring it on.
Michelle Fox: That's my girl. All right. So you are one of my fellow travelers. And so I would love to know what has been your favorite place to travel to?
Joan Rogliano: Oh, can I name two?
Michelle Fox: That would be my Gemini friend here. Of course, it can't just be one thing. It has to be two. Yes, please.
Joan Rogliano: And it is, I mean, they're just vastly different.
Joan Rogliano: Iceland was always [00:08:00] at the top of my list because I was there in the winter and it's very, different during the summer, but it was like being on another planet because of the topography. You know, it felt like, you know, with all the lava rock and so forth, it literally felt like we were on the moon.
Joan Rogliano: But then, last Christmas, I was in Egypt, and that was an all time favorite because of culture, because of demographics, because of the weather in December. I mean, it was just, the history was just absolutely mind blowing in every way, shape, and form. So, I have two. What can I say? I'm a true Gemini.
Michelle Fox: Fair enough. And this is rapid fire, so I won't go too deep. I will just say, when you came home from Egypt, there was something different. Like you, there was a lightness about you. Like I could tell something shifted inside of your heart after that [00:09:00] trip. You're right. know me so well. Alright, question number two, let us know your favorite
Joan Rogliano: vegetable. Well, being a vegetarian, there are a lot of them. Umm, I wanna
Joan Rogliano: I wanna say artichokes.
Michelle Fox: Ooh. I did not know this about you. Next time we have our happy hour, I'll be sure to order a little extra. Okay, good to know. And then last but not least, would you be willing to share with us a story from your childhood in the kitchen?
Joan Rogliano: yes, I have. I could have lots of them, but this is rapid fire. My mother made everything from scratch. And, we're Italian, my dad was Italian, so my dad's sisters taught her how to cook. That's why everything was made from scratch. And I just remember, it's a story of coming into the kitchen after school because it smelled [00:10:00] like home.
Joan Rogliano: It just smelled heavenly with the homemade spaghetti sauce that was cooking. And that was just, Oh, I'm home. This is
Joan Rogliano: calm.
Joan Rogliano: This is going to be a wonderful dinner. And our, and our dinners were an hour every, every night with all eight of us at the table. But that, so that's my, that's my memory.
Michelle Fox: I actually don't think I even knew that there were eight of you in the household.
Michelle Fox: Wow.
Joan Rogliano: But now I'm hungry.
Michelle Fox: And let's keep talking. So I'll talk quickly, so I can run and grab some food after this. Well, on that note of laughter, cause I really do want to bring a lightness to the word divorce. As you know, my platform at the time that you and I met was called The Graceful Divorce, because I really did want to show that divorce wasn't all dark and sad.
Michelle Fox: And, and in your bio that I just read that you and I both connected, I think, on the point [00:11:00] that when you divorce, it actually can be something really beautiful for the family. And if you do it the right way, it can be graceful and there can be some joy. and that's not to, you know, Ignore a lot of the sadness, actually very deep grief that comes with divorce.
Michelle Fox: But there are ways that we can handle it better than than other ways, I will say. And so to begin with, the question is, as we talk about divorce and life transitions that a lot of our friends are going through right now, I'm just so curious, like, what was the spark that helped you to decide this is going to be something that's going to be part of my mission to help others get through divorce more gracefully?
Joan Rogliano: That's a very easy question for me to answer because I believe I was led in this direction because so many I was going through my divorce so many of my clients were going through a divorce and [00:12:00] so I was their realtor they had bought their dream home. And now they're getting divorced and so they're calling me to say, get your listing agreement together because we have to sell the house.
Joan Rogliano: So this happened repeatedly and I would go over and I would usually meet with a woman and she'd be so emotional, often in tears and I'd say, wait, wait, wait, wait. Why are we doing this? If you don't want to sell this house? And it was usually, well, because I don't have any alternatives. My attorney, my soon to be ex husband, everybody's telling me the house has to go.
Joan Rogliano: And so I felt a little uncomfortable with that because I think we should all honor what this family's goals are. For each of the individuals and we usually can do that. And so I said, wait a minute. I'm going to call my lender and we're going to sit down and look at the numbers. And then you will chat with your [00:13:00] financial advisor and see if in fact you can keep the house if that's what you really want to do.
Joan Rogliano: So long story short, this happened repeatedly. And in fact, she could keep the house. So I thought. This is about education and people would come to me and say I feel so alone going through a divorce and I don't even know what I don't know and I too was one of those people. And so it's finding the right information, so I started doing, what, there weren't webinars at the time, but I started doing workshops in person about divorce in the home, and here are what your choices are, and don't let a realtor or a real estate professional tell you, you know, the house has to go, they should be able to counsel with you and say, well, if you want to keep it, then let's figure out if you can do it, and usually the numbers don't lie, it's either a yes or it's a no.
Joan Rogliano: But that way you're making an informed decision. And so that's what happened. And then I started doing these free [00:14:00] workshops. And then it just, well, my first workshop, a couple of the women were sitting across from each other and they said, well, this is really fun, Joan. What are we going to do when we get together next month?
Joan Rogliano: And I thought, well, I didn't know we were getting together next month.
Michelle Fox: Uh huh. Because you're a natural community builder.
Joan Rogliano: Yeah, because they had such a good time, you know, meeting, meeting new people that they were sharing this experience with. And so that's how Wildflower Group was created. I started doing
Joan Rogliano: monthly events to grow this community to provide information. And sometimes we just had fun, fun events. We had a lot of fun. That's how it was started. The arrows were there and I just followed them. And I got to meet you. Mm
Michelle Fox: hmm. So, so grateful. And, of course, you introduced me to a community of women that we still have friendships that have grown in different directions as [00:15:00] well.
Michelle Fox: And so, back to the power of community. You have been a living, walking, breathing testimony to healthy community.
Joan Rogliano: And, and you raise a, an excellent point, it's about when you're going through this transition of divorce in particular because your social, group changes, but when you're going through any divorce, find your community that's going to support you because with social media and everything else, there are communities for just about everything we need. And so reach out and find some like minded people that are going to, support you because they understand what you're going through. And that's the other thing with Wildflower Group. So many women came to our events and said, I feel really comfortable here and I feel really safe because you all get this.
Joan Rogliano: You're not telling me to do this. You're not telling me I have to do that. You're listening. And then when I need something, you're helping me [00:16:00] to, you're providing it for Me. So find your, you know, find your people, find your community and get the information you need to make really, really informed decisions, no matter what your transition is. You can
Joan Rogliano: this. It's out there.
Michelle Fox: I'm so glad you brought up that point because a lot of people don't know and and may be surprised to learn that I identify as an introvert. And so for me, even at that time, it wasn't always easy for me to show up for the meetings just because I had some insecurities that I still Still carry to this day, but I showed up for the social aspect on the community.
Michelle Fox: And then I also enrolled in, I guess you'd call it group therapy around divorce at my church. And so I put myself out there that way and it was work, but I only share that to say that oftentimes when we're in grief around any type of transition, it's very [00:17:00] easy to go dark and to be alone. But I am a.
Michelle Fox: Testament to say that if you can just push a little bit harder to put yourself out there, then the healing happens that much quicker. And so also I want to bring it back to you. Like, what were some of the things you did to heal your own processes? You were going through that grief from divorce.
Joan Rogliano: well, it was a lot of what you said.
Joan Rogliano: I had a really good support system with my friends and there were so many of them that had been through this. I had really good professionals. My mantra is, and I think you know this, divorce takes a team Because it does maybe like no other transition. I can't really speak to that. But I just know you need all of us need all the help we can get certainly from our friends and family.
Joan Rogliano: But oftentimes they are so concerned about you they just keep saying to you, oh, well get better. You know, just feel better. [00:18:00] Just do this because they're, they're, they're frightened a little bit themselves. And so they want you to feel better. And you have to realize, well, you know, I was married for 10 years or 15, whatever.
Joan Rogliano: I'm not going to feel better in two minutes, 20 minutes, or maybe two years, I'll be feeling better. So that's a part of it, but also find a good team of professionals. for you. A legal advisor, a financial advisor, a mental health advisor. My team for my real estate practice has grown to 25 advisors for my clients.
Joan Rogliano: Because my client said, you know, I really need to look my best. I need to up my game because now I'm single support, so I need to talk to a career counselor. And along with that goes, you know, I could probably, perk up my wardrobe a little bit. I'm not feeling real great, so maybe I should find a gym.
Joan Rogliano: Definitely I need a [00:19:00] nutritionist. Because if you're not feeling your best, a lot of it is because you're eating not what you should be eating and you need to change that routine as well because you need to be the best and you need to have lots of energy. As you say, there are going to be some dark days with the grief. But you're also thinking about your children, if you have children, and you have to be the best for them And you have to make sure that they're eating the right stuff too because they're going through their own little transition that the life is going to look very different for them.
Joan Rogliano: So the biggest Boost I would give anybody is to say divorce takes a team and just find yours and you do that by asking referrals for referrals. And if you all know someone that needs a nutrition, well, of course, Michelle is our go to. and
Michelle Fox: when somebody needs that warm. [00:20:00] I was gonna say helping hand, but that's not the term I'm looking for.
Michelle Fox: I'm looking for you holding my hand, walking through the real estate process. That would be our Joan, because you've been in real estate, forever. Do you even want to give a number to that? Like it's just been forever.
Joan Rogliano: It starts with an F and it's 40. 40 years ago, I was I was, I got my license. Yeah.
Joan Rogliano: Amazing. It didn't seem like forever though, because it's just been so much fun, it's
Joan Rogliano: not like work
Joan Rogliano: like It's just a passion. That's not to say there aren't days, but, but usually it's just lots of fun.
Michelle Fox: You continue to show up and, and do the work and spread your talents, which leads to the book. Like I want to talk about your book, which has been a lasting resource, which I'm so grateful
Michelle Fox: you wrote. Your Keys to Moving on Divorce and the Marital Home. So without giving too [00:21:00] much away, because of course, we're going to link this in the show notes. I want my friends who are going through any type of transition to buy this book, support Joan, but more important, support yourself by reading the book and getting some of the tools.
Michelle Fox: But as I highlight that, when you think of the content of the book, what stands out for you? Like, what do you want us to know the most about this transition period?
Joan Rogliano: This also, first of all, the book is written for consumers. It's not written for real estate professionals. It's written by, for consumers, and it is all about clients that I have had in their stories.
Joan Rogliano: And, and they're all varied, but I thought that would bring, an, an easy read to it, and it would also help whoever's reading it understand, oh, well, this is Mary Jones story, and here's how it ended, and it ended, you know, pretty darn well for her. [00:22:00] So, so that's the, the crux of what my mission was there. To have, and it's not lengthy, it's pretty succinct, but it, you know, in the real estate world, as in any profession, you have jargon, and there are words that you throw around, and usually, a lot of the public isn't familiar with the process, isn't familiar with this jargon, and, and it's all spelled out in there, again, directed
Joan Rogliano: to the divorcing person so that they can understand what the steps are going to be. You need a roadmap when you're going through divorce, because there are a lot of moving pieces in here and, it just pulls it together that here's step one, step two, and so on and so forth. So it walks you through the process
Joan Rogliano: so you know what to expect. That's always helpful.
Michelle Fox: Such a beautiful guide and a roadmap. And I'm curious, because you've actually recently made a huge transition in your life by moving to an entire [00:23:00] different state. So have you leaned on and pulled from some of the tools that you needed during your divorce transition?
Joan Rogliano: Absolutely. Absolutely. you know, nobody has asked me that question but yes, I picked up after 40 years in Colorado and I moved to Washington, DC, And I'm from the East Coast originally, so I feel like I'm coming home, but I didn't know a lot of people here. And so what I did was I created my team of support as far as what I was interested in doing and what I was interested in doing work wise and so on and so forth. So you make those connections that you need to help ease you into this new community because D.
Joan Rogliano: C. is a really exciting, fast paced place. And, I knew that I was going to need some help for me to make the, the life that I [00:24:00] wanted to live while I was here. It's been a year and things are coming, together beautifully. So get your team, everybody,
Michelle Fox: I also hear the word permission in that, because you and I, we went on some very long walks as you were trying to decide whether or not it was time to make the big move.
Michelle Fox: And it was so beautiful to witness you balancing the pros and the cons, knowing what you wanted, but then also having these other considerations. But then you finally made a choice and I have never seen you happier. And so can you talk to us a little bit about the courage it takes to either uproot your life and or to use your words to create a life
Michelle Fox: that you want and desire? Because I think a lot of us do feel stuck in responsibilities, or I should be doing this, or I have to be doing this. But what was it that, that kind of woke you up to say, no, I, I can have the life that I [00:25:00] want and live where I want?
Joan Rogliano: And I, I just love your questions are so thoughtful.
Joan Rogliano: And I think so helpful to everyone who is listening, because you've really put a lot of thought into this as to the right questions to ask to, I hope, really provide tools for your audience to get them on whatever path it is that they are seeking. A big part of it is if you find something you're really passionate about, I, I, I was almost naive about this, quite frankly you know, I, I'm realizing in retrospect now that I'm settled here and I just think back to when we were having those conversations and people you included, I think, said to me, you are just lit up about this moving to D.
Joan Rogliano: C. What are you waiting for? And then you just I came here and I spent a couple of weeks here to be [00:26:00] sure. And 1 of my friends texted me after I had been here for about two or three days. And she said, okay, because she didn't want me to move. She said, okay, on a scale of one to 10, 10 is you're going definitely.
Joan Rogliano: Where are you? I said, I'm at an 11. I'm coming back home to pack. You, You can, can, you know, have that kind of passion and that kind of focus, not to say that there aren't going to be bumps along the road and not to say that there aren't going to be days where you're calling Michelle, or your Michelle in your life, or you're calling a friend saying, you know, I'm feeling a little blue.
Joan Rogliano: I'm feeling a little lonely. I'm feeling whatever I'm feeling. And then, you know, you just talk through it. And the person at the other end of the phone or text doesn't even have to respond. They can just listen. And then you kind of work yourself through it. So just You know, life is first for living and I always feel as though nothing [00:27:00] is forever.
Joan Rogliano: If it's not working, then you make adjustments or you, you know, you're at a dead end and you decide you're going to turn around and go back or you're going to go over this way instead of that way and just have faith in yourself. That, first of all, you are worth doing this for, if it's something that you feel as though you really want in your life. There were a couple of people, quite frankly, that were not in my corner as far as they weren't really, you know, they, they just weren't encouraging me because they didn't want me to go. And so they were kind of, well, have you thought about this and did you know this, but there might be those people along your path.
Joan Rogliano: But you realize maybe afterwards that these people aren't your people because they should be supporting you in something that you want to do, even if it turns out not to be what you really [00:28:00] wanted. You took a chance. So try it out.
Michelle Fox: Thank you. And thank you for being transparent because I think sometimes it's easy to see somebody's success and just focus on, Oh, they're so happy.
Michelle Fox: But the reality is we are all human. So yes, the happiness can be true, but then the sadness and the loneliness can be true at the same time. So I appreciate you
Joan Rogliano: sharing that with us.
Joan Rogliano: And I read something yesterday. I don't even know who said it. I don't think they were cited that, if you're not making mistakes in your life, then you're not really living a full life.
Joan Rogliano: I'm going to remember that one because it's true. We're all going to make mistakes. You pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and don't forget to rely on your friends that are there for you unequivalently.
Michelle Fox: I think you might have just come up with the title of this episode, the power of friendships.
Michelle Fox: Oh my goodness.
Joan Rogliano: Yeah. I mean, you can't put that [00:29:00] into words. I mean, you, you are one of the reasons that I am here, Michelle, don't make me cry.
Michelle Fox: Well, you, you just got my heart. That brings me so much joy to hear. And as we wind down, is there anything you wanted to add? Anything that I didn't ask you in this short amount of time?
Joan Rogliano: I think you have covered it just beautifully. It's just you know, friendship is one of it, but it's just community. I think we need community more now than at any time in, in my life anyway, which has been a pretty long life that I'm very thankful for, but we're just in a very different place in our country and in the world and we need each other and we need kindness we need big ears so that we're listening to one another
Joan Rogliano:
Joan Rogliano: And, finding, finding those who are going to buoy you, to, because you're going to [00:30:00] be called upon to buoy them as well. My last thought is, I was going through something very difficult in, in, in court, and I didn't know this, but a group of my friends came to court to support me that day. I didn't know they were there.
Joan Rogliano: So what did I do? Of course I burst out, I burst out, I didn't laugh, I burst out crying. And one of my friends said to me, You know, Joan, we're all a team and
Joan Rogliano: you're
Joan Rogliano: up at bat today. And next time, one of us is going to be up at bat in court or in the hospital or wherever we are, and you're going to be back on the bench.
Joan Rogliano: So please just accept this, that you're up at bat today, and we are all here for you. So that has stuck with me for 30 years now and I hope
Joan Rogliano: that
Joan Rogliano: you all kind of tuck that in the back of your mind. Be able to accept help because you Called upon to provide it, help and support for somebody else.
Michelle Fox: Oh, you, Oh, you just gave me goosebumps with that story.How amazing. [00:31:00] I hadn't heard that one before.
Joan Rogliano: That was a big one. Thank you.
Michelle Fox:All right. Well, I just have one last question for you that I'd love to end with, which is today, Ms. Joan Rogliano, how are you going to nourish yourself?
Joan Rogliano: Actually, does it have to be today? I'm fine.
Michelle Fox: I'm getting back to my favorite Gemini.
Michelle Fox: I love it. Although I can't say that out loud, which I guess I just did, but mom and sister are Gemini. So I guess I can't say faves. I'll just say one of my faves.
Joan Rogliano: How about that? Oh, yeah, that's a lot Yes, I am planning. My thing is running. I love to run. And so I'm going over to Rock Creek Park, but I go in the morning.
Joan Rogliano: So I'm doing extra. I'm doing a little yoga and doing some stretching and so forth. And I'm going to have a really good dinner to get myself ready for tomorrow morning. So I hope that counts. It's true.
Michelle Fox: Okay, that counts. You get it. You get a double A plus. How about that?
Joan Rogliano:Because I have to prepare [00:32:00]
Michelle Fox: for this. I love it.
Michelle Fox: And I love you. Thank you so much for being on the show. And thank you for spending this time with me. And thank you for just always expanding my heart when we get together.
Joan Rogliano: Well, thank you for sharing your life with me because I'm in awe of what you have all the women that you have helped and supported, Michelle. I love you.
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Michelle Fox: If you enjoyed this episode, I would be honored. If you would leave a review on whichever [00:33:00] podcast platform you are listening on. It will help me with my mission to build healthier communities. One person at a time and it will help you because you will be part of that mission.
Michelle Fox: I'll be back next week and I encourage you to keep showing up for yourself and know that you and your health matter. Big love!
