Episode #45: Are You Sober Curious? with Steve Black aka Hot Husband
Michelle Fox: [00:00:00] I am excited to bring this episode to you. It is a replay of an episode we had last October. And the reason I know it was October without even looking at my notes is because we published this episode originally on Steve. AKA hot husband's birthday when he was a little over one year past his sober anniversary. And now as we. Inch up closer to September.
We will be celebrating his two year anniversary of his sober living. And I just wanted to replay this episode because one. There are a lot of new people in our community right now who may have missed this episode because it was originally published as a bonus episode. So it didn't quite get the attention as.
Perhaps some of our other episodes. And then too, when I'm meeting up [00:01:00] with friends in real life, A lot of conversations have been sparked around being sober, curious. And so because you are in this community and you are one of our listeners, you too might be curious about the sober life. And, or maybe you're just curious about how Steve and I have navigated this change in our marriage, because this was his choice. Not mine.
I won't get ahead of myself. I will tell you. You're going to want to listen to this episode.
So with that, I also want to explain a few things you saw in the title, hot husband. So for my friends who have been with us from the beginning, you know, that when we are doing the Facebook lives and our kitchen, Steve was always our amazing engineer behind the scenes.
And I would always refer to him as hot husband. And so that kind of caught on, and now people in our neighborhood, people who we run into, they're like, Hey, hot husband.
So that's why I felt like it was important to keep it in the [00:02:00] title of this amazing episode.
Also, I want to invite you to think about your own. Choices around drinking. As you listen to this episode. And then come find me like, if you want to chat it out, send me a message. Send me a DM. You can find me on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube. And then of course, if you want to be on our email list, you can find us at [email protected].
And I would love to keep this conversation going, including Steve hot husband has generously offered to come back and talk about the experience and talk about the journey
Because he truly wants to help others find freedom around their health choices. So he and I are going to record a fresh episode very soon, but in the meantime, Please send me your emails, your questions, your DMS, and I would love to be able to help and [00:03:00] support you on your own journey. Okay, before we get this episode going.
I just want to make sure that you saw. We still have a few spots open for our October retreat and the Dominican Republic. My partner, Dr. TJ and I are hosting a gut health retreat. And this will be an opportunity for you to hit the reset button. Learn some tools around your health. And, or just hang out around the pool, if you want to, that's going to be your, uh, your prerogative. So wanted to make sure you saw that also from my friends who may be embarking upon or are smack dab in the middle of perimenopause or menopause.
I recently published a digital guide entitled. Is it hot in here or is it just me? And I walked through seven steps on how I cured a lot of the ailments that came along with menopause when I landed [00:04:00] in menopause about three years ago. And I sincerely hope that this guide helps you as well. So that's enough from me.
Let's hear from hot husband.
I'll talk to you soon.
Michelle Fox: Welcome to nourish. I am Michelle Fox culinary nutritionist health coach, and your host for this podcast. I teach a busy professionals, how to get more nutrition in their bodies. And how to have more fun in their home kitchens. If you struggle with consistency. Or sometimes forget to make your needs a priority.
You, my friend are in the right place. Join me each week for inspiration to increase your energy. Strengthen your mindset, manage your hormonal woes and so much more. You have a lot on your plate, but that does not mean your nutrition should suffer. You [00:05:00] deserve to live in a body and have a life that you love.
So let's dig in.
I have the hottest husband sitting right next to me. We are in the bed here in Belize during our anniversary week, and I originally planned to have him on this podcast to share what it is like living with a culinary nutritionist. As a wife, as a partner, and that might sound a little flat to begin with, but let me just give you a little bit of a backstory.
So Steve, my husband, has been seeing another woman the last few months. That woman would be, His personal trainer, they've been working out. I'd say probably a good three [00:06:00] months, maybe a little bit longer. and this is funny, babe, and I'll introduce you in a moment, but we haven't even talked about this part yet either, but she asked him about his nutrition because she was putting her.
You know the whole program together and he is like, oh, I've got that covered. I'm married to a culinary nutritionist. And when he came home and shared that story with me, I just kind of had a blank stare like, yeah, you're married to me, but that doesn't mean you eat the way I eat. So I just wanted to dig into that.
Which one day we will tonight, today. It's not that day, my friend, because whew. I'm gonna try to hold it together. But my husband said that he is willing to talk about our dirty little secret, so we are gonna get into that promptly. Because if my baby said he is [00:07:00] willing, we're gonna take advantage of that moment.
So, hi baby. Hi.
Steve Black: I don't know how I feel about this. What did I sign up for?
Michelle Fox: Well, just so you know, and I'm happy to share it, the community as well. Anything you say that you are not comfortable with, you have my word. I will scrap it from the editing floor. So, with that said, Me leading into it. Should, should we hold the, the audience captive or should we let them in on, on our dirty little secret?
Steve Black: That's, well, we got, we're started. I think we're already into it.
Michelle Fox: Okay. And yes, that is nervous laughter. So I am calling it a dirty little secret. It's actually really beautiful and I will start. So as I mentioned, we are here in Belize, sitting in our bed. We just got home from an AA [00:08:00] meeting and my heart is so filled with love.
It's so filled with gratitude, so filled with appreciation for this man and the world that he has opened up to me and to our family. And so babe. Hi. Hi.
Steve Black: Hi. Hi, I'm Steve. I'm an alcoholic.
Michelle Fox: Mm. Say more. What, what does that mean?
Steve Black: yeah, that's, that's a very thought-provoking question. it means that my life was unmanageable, that drinking, I. Influenced and impacted a lot of aspects of my life, and I was just, I was ready to give it up.
Michelle Fox: Mm. Give up the drinking. The drinking, not the life.
Steve Black: No, I, I like [00:09:00] my life. Mm. I have a great life. Mm. We have a great life.
Michelle Fox: Yes, we do. So let's take our friends back a few steps.
So, I can only share from my perspective, and as I'm learning more about you and learning about what you are willing to share with me and with our community. I'm gonna follow your lead quite a bit in this conversation, but I just wanted to start off with my part and the whole reason why I even called it a dirty little secret, which I don't love.
But it was in fact a secret the first three months of your choice to become sober, which by the way, congratulations for one year. And how many days? Six days now? Four. One year and four days. I'm kissing you. Thank you. Oh my goodness. So the first three months of that [00:10:00] one year, I had no idea. Like I didn't know that you had decided.
I. To quit drinking, and I definitely didn't know that you had decided to start going to AA meetings. So would you be willing to share a little bit about that? Like specifically what kept you from sharing that with me? Your best friend, your life partner, your
Steve Black: wife? no, I think kind of what the way you had said it is, You can share your story and you know, this is my story.
So, you know, we were, last year on our anniversary, we were in Ply del Harmon. Mm-hmm. And I think it was the last night we were there, we were coming home on Sunday or whatnot. It was, it was the 17th and we had gone out to a nice dinner. We did some dancing. There was some live music. [00:11:00] we got some ice cream and I don't know, I had grabbed a glass of wine as a nightcap and we ended up going back to the room.
And that's, I know that that's the last, that was the last drink I had. Mm-hmm. and I think it was just, The lack of our connection. Mm-hmm. I think we both had different, I don't wanna say expectations, desires, but we, we were. There we were both present, but we weren't present with each other. Mm. I think you had gotten a massage on the beach and I turned and ordered a margarita and
Michelle Fox: Sounds about right.
Steve Black: Uhhuh and I, maybe a 90 minute massage and I probably got a second or a third margarita. but it was just that. And so, I just looked at that as, there's so many different variables [00:12:00] that contributed to that, and I was trying to narrow down, I'm like, how can we connect better? How can we can communicate?
How can we just emotionally, physically, mentally connect? And I thought that alcohol was the PR biggest barrier to that. Mm. And so then I started thinking, more about, well, is alcohol the biggest barrier to a lot of my goals? What role did alcohol play in other aspects of my life that impacted it? You know, I'll say for the worse or for the better.
Most instances for the worse. you know, even my prior marriage, alcohol definitely impacted the outcome of that. [00:13:00] And I, you know, I know that early on and our dating, we talked about, you know, you were previously married. I was previously married. What roles did we play in it? How did we overcome some of those?
What role did we play and how do we, what do even wanna say, assume blame or what was our role in it? Mm-hmm. Taking ownership and accountability for it. So that's kind of where that led was what. It is alcohol. So, you know, we ended up getting home and I was like, all right, I'm just gonna not drink. And I think I had went two months and I'm like, okay, like no problem.
But I was like, there's more to it. Like I can't just stop drinking. Like there was this void and it was later. What I've come to learn is it was more of just willpower of not. [00:14:00] Drinking. Like anybody can do anything for 30 days or 60 days. But if I was gonna keep this up, if I wanted to keep this up, if this was a choice I was gonna make, what, what direction was I gonna go?
Mm-hmm. So I think it was two months in before I was like, all right, you know, like everybody's heard of aa, everybody has, you know, different images or. you know, preconceived notions about what it is. And so I was like, all right, well, let me just look it up. And it was towards the end of Covid, so I was like, online, so I was like, let me just go to a meeting online.
And I sat in and I was listening, and I have never met a more welcoming group of people that. Are happy to see you that welcome you, and they're from all [00:15:00] walks of life. And it was like, okay. I kind of felt this sense of belonging, like I was there and so I, you know, and I was like, come back. So I ended up going back the next day and the next day, so I was like, This isn't so bad.
Like that started explaining to me like, there's a lot of things you like, I don't know anything about it, so lemme just give it a shot. I'll try anything once and maybe twice just to find, make sure I like it or I don't like it. But I liked the sense of belonging. I liked learning. So I ended up staying in AA for a month, and I think it was Thanksgiving.
It was your birthday, and we went for a walk on the day of your birthday, and that's when I told you that I had been [00:16:00] attending AA meetings for like a month and. Maybe, maybe three weeks. And I don't think we had the kids and we went for a walk and I think I told you and you were like shocked. You like looked at me.
Like what?
Michelle Fox: I had no idea that you were going or that it was even on your radar. Correct. I was shocked.
Steve Black: And I don't even know if you, maybe you did realize that I hadn't had a drink for the previous three months.
Michelle Fox: Well, I noticed you weren't on the couch at night at that point, drinking, cuz that I know was one thing I was complaining about.
I was letting you know that I was starting to feel lonely in our relationship and that I noticed you were choosing the bottle over spending time with me in the evenings. And so, yeah, I noticed the bottles weren't there. But at [00:17:00] that point, I think you were still on the couch late at night watching television.
Yeah.
Steve Black: Okay. I don't remember those days as as well, but, sounds about right. So let's
Michelle Fox: actually take a few steps back cuz I can already feel a lot of my friends, especially. Because one friend in particular already asked you point blank like, Steve, what are you talking about? I never saw that side of you.
I would've never assumed you're an alcoholic. Like, no, not her. Tell us more. For people that, like you said, may have preconceived ideas of what an alcoholic is and or what an alcoholic profile might look like, like. Tell us your story. Like when you say, I am an alcoholic, what does that mean specifically in detail for you?
Steve Black: [00:18:00] For me, I, once I start drinking, I don't like to stop. so, you know, an example would be, let's go to over happy hour. You know, you have two, three drinks, you're sociable, responsible, you go to a dinner party. You know, you order a bottle of wine, you share it and everything's fine. You, you maintain composure and you put on
Michelle Fox: Oh, when you're saying you,
Steve Black: you're saying you, me, myself.
Yes. And you know, whether it's two, three glasses of wine, you know, and then you go home and it's like, okay, well I've had two or three that's like the happy hour and the primer. And I would, you know, I. Have a few more drinks at home, you know, those few more may range from two to six. You know, I've, I've read some studies, or not studies, but you know, there's, there's some other [00:19:00] podcasts I listened to about health and they were talking now that the average American drinks like, you know, 10 drinks a week, well that could be, you know, four to five to 10 or whatever.
I would choose to have all those in one sitting. Wow. Because to make the most of it, like having one or two drinks never made sense to me. Mm. and so yeah, there's the, you know, what is the Nicholas Cage movie leaving Las Vegas? Mm-hmm. You know where I think he went there to try to drink himself to death and.
And you know, or the fall down drunk and you know, there's like that I was highly functioning like, right?
Michelle Fox: Like none of our friends knew what I was seeing and more important what you were going through. So I think that is why I [00:20:00] keep calling it our secret, because it wasn't that I was ashamed of your behavior, it was just I didn't.
Understand it. And I knew that it was a block in our connection.
Steve Black: Yeah. And you know, you could, I was a heavy drinker. Yeah. I enjoyed it. I had fun, like, you know, and I think certain circles that's acceptable and different cultures and environments like, That's just
Michelle Fox: commonplace, like your childhood in Wisconsin.
Yes. I feel like anybody we meet from Wisconsin, it's like, yeah, that's, that's what we do. Of course we drink. Yeah.
Steve Black: Yeah. but I think that's when you say it's a secret, like I, yeah, I didn't, it was a secret in the sense that I liked to drink at home in [00:21:00] private, I. Where I didn't have to socialize. I didn't have to say face per se.
and I was a lot safer. I didn't have to worry about driving or, you know, um, just, I felt safer at home. Mm-hmm. So I never, you know, really got in trouble with the law. Never got a d u I never got in an accident, anything like that. I. Because I like to do it at home. It's alcohol is alcoholism. It's an isolating disease.
Yes. So yes. That's why it's that dirty secret, because I tried to keep it a secret. Yeah.
Michelle Fox: I appreciate you sharing that. Thank you. And also to people who might judge or have this idea of what an alcoholic looks like or is. I think you've. Mentioned before that it's another reason why you kind of kept it to yourself.
Cuz [00:22:00] people think of like maybe displaced people or I don't know, people with mental illness or I don't know, but I just, I think people tend to go to the far end of the spectrum to decipher. What an alcoholic is, because in that way they don't have to look in the mirror and look at themselves like, oh, well maybe I too have an issue with alcohol.
Well, alcoholism, alcohol, maybe I do have an issue with alcohol, and that is actually one reason I was really excited you were willing to share with my community because I do thank food issues. Can be tied into alcohol issues, which can be tied into drug issues and like, we're all in this together. Like, there's no play in the finger, there's no, I'm superior because I've conquered this, you know, issue.
Like, I think we all have our demons that we fight. Yeah. I don't know. Do you have an opinion about that?
Steve Black: I, yeah. we all [00:23:00] have our demons, you know, it's, It could be anything. There's a whole range of things. but yeah, you know, in certain AA kind of groups, you know, some are kind of the purists, drugs are a part of my story with Alcoholics Anonymous.
and some people are like, oh no, don't bring that, that's a separate issue. And I'm along the lines of. We wanna help everybody. Mm-hmm. Right? Like be that support, be that reason, be that reason to make somebody else smile today. Be that reason to give somebody hope and be supportive and encouraging. And, you know, that's, that's, I don't know.
That's community. And that's community. What's, what's your purpose? Yes, yes, yes, yes. I, I am so grateful for. Each member I have encountered going through in-person [00:24:00] meetings, going through Zoom meetings, and that's been great. I mean, I have peeked into meetings on the East coast, west coast. I, there was early on, there was one that was promoted in the Ukraine that I sat in and listened to.
I looked for meetings while I was in Cartena and you were. Chris enough to come to a meeting tonight with me.
Michelle Fox: Yes. Which I have to jump in. Like it truly was so beautiful to see this room full of men. This meeting happened to be all men and they graciously let me join. And I do say join because without giving away secrets, cause I still don't know all the rules.
I know anonymous, I know I can't say names, but. All of that to say we did do a reading and I got to participate in one of the readings and all of the men Well, I was gonna say, can I make assumptions? [00:25:00] Yeah. Well, yeah, cuz I, I mean, all the men had heavy accent, so I imagine English was not their first language and, and English is really my only language, so I felt very included and welcomed that.
For the most part, the meeting stayed in English. and yeah, we talked about some of the AA principles, and for those who don't know, AA stands for Alcoholics Anonymous, and there is 12 steps. And then there's also 12, what's the other thing? That was 12 traditions. 12 traditions. And so that's what we were reading out of that book.
And my heart just swelled because I. These men are literally fighting for their lives because they understand that people die literally every day from overdoing it with alcohol. And that could be them, that could be any of us, like any moment, any day. And so I just had so [00:26:00] much grace and reverence for these people who showed up to say, 24 more hours, I can do this 24 more hours.
And not only can I do this, but I'm here in community to support the community to let you know you brother, to let you sister know that you can do this as well. Did you have any particular takeaways from tonight's meeting? I know you've been to quite a few meetings, but Yeah. How did tonight's meeting land for
Steve Black: you?
Yeah, it was, it was good, like, yeah. You know, there's, there's some meetings that are always better than others, you know, based on the topic and how authentic and vulnerable people will be in their shares. I just want to add that tonight's meeting was an open meeting. Mm. Which means that in non-alcoholic can attend.
And then there's closed meetings where it's only Alcoholics Anonymous members. So, okay. So that's why, why was, so You were welcome. You were allowed The observer. Yes.
Michelle Fox: Okay, got it. Yes. well, I was still grateful I got to read too. [00:27:00] It made me feel like I was part of the circle. No,
Steve Black: and I think, you know, kind of getting to the flavor of, you know, my share this evening is, you know, we're in Belize.
You know, our life back in Denver is completely different than the lives they have here, but, So much of our lives are in parallel, right? I have so much in common with each and every one of those gentlemen's experience. you know, their experience is their own, but it's relatable to me. I, I can relate to it.
I understand it. And with that being said, you know, we're here, we walked in and they welcomed us with open arms. Yes. And we were able to share and talk and socialize and just wherever you go, you are just welcome and I can relate to him. [00:28:00]
Michelle Fox: I love that. So I also wanna go back even quite a few more steps. I actually got my thesis.
Around alcoholism and applied psychology at NYU back in 1995. So your girl's been paying attention to this stuff and so I recognized it and I was sad, but I was still already falling, like falling fast for this man. So I'm like, okay, eyes wide open. Eyes wide open. All that to say, there were a few incidents that happened around alcohol during our dating period and even before we got married, and I'd say, Hey, I've been noticing these things.
This certain behavior makes me uncomfortable, and then we might fight about it and then we'd move on. Yeah. And then the next thing would come up, we'd fight about it, and then we'd move on. And I [00:29:00] think there were probably, I would say five or six incidents before we got married that really stood out, that I'm like, ouch.
And yet we got married. And even that we got married on a vineyard. What was the name of it? The oh. Silver Oak. Silver Oak. Silver Oak. So even that alcohol was part of our, her story. Well, yes, our story, but our elopement and then our family dinner even we had at a winery, the, Barcelona. Barcelona, yes.
So with this, with this episode, it comes out, I might have to pull out some of those photos cause I actually we're pretty exquisite, beautiful photos. but it's just interesting like looking back now. Alcohol has been part of our relationship. And so all of that, to share just more backstory for our community that I [00:30:00] have been and still am eyes wide open, knowing that this is what is part of our relationship.
This is what I plan to quote unquote work with. Like I never intended for you to get sober, and I was very clear with you that I knew that if you ever did get sober, It would be your choice. I knew there was nothing I could do or say to move you in that direction. So when you did finally get sober, I was in shock.
And a year later I would say some of that shock is worn off. But I'm still like, I feel like I'm still trying to catch up. Like you made your mind up way before I was on board or understanding it. And so I just love that you have been open with me and that you do want me to understand and that you have invited me to some of these meetings.
Cuz I do wanna understand your process and I do feel that it's bringing us closer together. So. I don't know. I don't even know what the question is at this point, but do you have any [00:31:00] comments about that?
Steve Black: no. And. Silver Oak is, is such a good wine.
Michelle Fox: God, you found it more delicious than me.
Steve Black: But yeah, it's one of my favorites, but was one of my favorites.
if anybody's interested, I have a nice wine collection that, I need to get rid of. Special price for you? Yeah, I, yeah, I think I, I can't narrow it down to one. Specific instance of why I chose to stop drinking. I know that that anniversary getaway was kind of the culmination when I got upset. Yeah.
And it was just kind of like, all right, I'm not doing this anymore. And but, I also lost one of my best friends, or I lost my best friend to alcoholism and you [00:32:00] know, that played a huge factor into
Michelle Fox: it. That was about a year before you decided to get sober,
Steve Black: right? Yeah. So that would've been, yeah, I think that was, well this November I think it'll be three years, so.
Wow. Okay. But, yeah, it's.
Yeah, I don't know what else to say about that. It's, it's sad and it can inflict anybo and anybody, and I know you had mentioned it earlier, you know, there's NA meetings for Narcotics Anonymous. There's OA for Overeaters Anonymous, there's AA for Alcoholics Anonymous. Like I think for me, I'm speaking for myself that.
You know, I've gone to therapists and I think a lot of people through the pandemic and have, a lot of people have gone to or started therapy or continued to do therapy. And for me, [00:33:00] AA has been more impactful than any of the therapy I received. I, I'm not saying that the therapy I received wasn't helpful, it was, and.
I just think it AA has been more impactful to me.
Michelle Fox: Yeah, and just as a witness on the outside, I totally agree. I'm so grateful. And we were speaking earlier today just about. How you being able to see your story in multiple faces I think has been more impactful than just a therapist saying, well, maybe you should try this, or, how are you feeling?
Or maybe you should be more mindful. I think your favorite therapist was like, practice more mindful meditation. Well, Yeah. You're like, yep. Not, not helping. Yeah. But in AA, you have a circle of people that you can actually see your story in a lot of these
Steve Black: faces, right? Yeah. You know, you pay for therapists in AA meetings [00:34:00] and the friends you meet in aa, that's free.
We all know how I like to be, frugal, but just no financially responsible. But I forgot where I was going with this. But
Michelle Fox: how you can see yourself. Yeah. And the face of some others.
Steve Black: Yeah. Or stories of others. Yeah. Just relatable. Like, you know, it's not that one up. Like, you know, everybody's got those friends, you go back and forth with the stories and they progressively get almost exaggerated, like, you know, the fishing tails or whatnot.
But you know, all of. All the people in AA I've been able to relate to. They're, they're, they're real people. so yeah.
Michelle Fox: Well, one of the things you've shared with me about AA is that you are asked to be honest with yourself and to be honest with [00:35:00] others. And I have to say, as we wind down that. That commitment to honesty that you've had with yourself and that authenticity of bringing me into your circle.
I think it's really deepened and enriched our relationship. I just have to say thank you. Thank you for showing up for you. Thank you for showing up for me and our relationship. Thank you for sharing, showing up for our family, like everything's improved in this last year, like. This is a podcast I'm not gonna get, you know, I'm not gonna put all our business out there.
I will just say a hundred percent of areas in our life have improved since you said yes. So thank you, my love. Yeah,
Steve Black: well thank you for that. And you have been so incredibly supportive. Understanding, encouraging throughout this entire process? Well, except the first three months, [00:36:00] but we have been the, yes.
All
Michelle Fox: right. I'm almost over it. Not quite yet. Yes.
Steve Black: Continue on. Yes. So thank you for all of that. And yeah. You know, whether it's, it'd be my health, my, I think I have more focus and clarity. But it's also just being brutally honest with ourselves. Like I said, it was that dirty secret, like I knew I was going home to drink or whatever the case was, and getting to the root of the problem of why I drank.
Mm. So it's, yeah, just being honest, it's more, more than any therapist could have helped me with. I love you. I love you.
Michelle Fox: I'm so glad you joined us for this conversation. As I mentioned at the top of the episode, if you. [00:37:00] Two are sober, curious. I would love to hear from you, send me a message. Comment on Instagram or Facebook or feel free to reach out to us at [email protected].
We would absolutely be honored to help you and support you on your journey. If that doesn't quite feel right, I would also strongly suggest you reach out to AA. And or Al Anon, They have amazing resources that can support you, that can teach you that can help you grow into the person that you know, that you're meant to be.
So reach out how you can please use my voice as a permission slip if you need it. But I'm here for you. And Steve has given me his word. He is here for you as well. So. Reach out when, and if you are ready. Take care.
Michelle Fox: Thanks so much for listening to [00:38:00] nourish. Have you been driving, doing laundry or walking around the neighborhood? Sweet. I've got show notes for you. Hop on over to Michelle fox.com forward slash podcast. When you are ready. I will let you know that on the page, you will find resources to support what you just learned on today's show. And then of course you can grab some health supportive freebies as well.
If you enjoy this episode, I would be honored. If you would leave a review on whichever podcast platform you are listening on. It will help me with my mission to build healthier communities. One person at a time and it will help you because you will be part of that mission.
I'll be back next week and I encourage you to keep showing up for yourself and know that you and your health matter. Big love. [00:39:00]
